Have you ever opened your eyes in the morning & already, before you even get out of bed, you already feel beat down & broken?
This was one of those mornings. Everything hurt. I spent the night rolling over from one hip to the next because after a few hours something in my body tightens up & the feeling of being stuck in a tin can wakes me. After a night like that you wake up already tired. Sometimes, like today, I know as soon as that one foot falls out of bed & hits the floor that it’s not going to get better. It’s going to be a hard day.
Yesterday afternoon I was truly on a high of hope that this could all turn out ok. In fact, I called my pain management doctor and begged him to put me on a new regime that would get me off of all the pain medications. If my problems were muscular than in theory a muscle relaxer should bring relief & make pain medication completely unnecessary. He agreed & called one in to the CVS down the road so I could start right away & I was SO EXCITED. I was so sure it would work. As I write this in hindsight I’m shaking my head because I should have known better. I should have known there is no magic pill that all of a sudden is going to help me sleep like a baby & & feel the peaceful relief that I so desperately want. However like many times before by bedtime I found myself in a brutal flare & went to bed nauseous, groggy, in pain & sad. BUT before I went to sleep, in a desperate state, I reached for my phone & read my ‘Jesus Calling’ for the day,
“Much, much stress results from your wanting to make things happen before their times come. One f the main ways I assert my sovereignty is in the timing of events. If you want to stay close to Me & do things My way, ask Me to show you the path forward moment by moment. Instead of dashing headlong toward your goal, let Me set the pace. Slow down, & the enjoy the journey in My Presence.”
How quick I am to get a little glimmer of a way out & just take the ball & freakin’ run with it. I had it all planned. I made the calls…I called my Doctors, told my loved ones….this was it! I forced it. I made it happen before it was time. I get that now.
After my feet hit the floor this morning & it became clear a bad day was here I foud a little silver lining in the fact that today was the day, my appointment with the rheumotoligist. My “gold star appointment” as my Mayo primary doctor had called it. Maybe I could dare to hope one more time that he/she would have an answer. One I couldn’t see coming. One it was time for.
I got dressed & as I made my way down to the hotel lobby for some coffee I remembered something, I hadn’t yet checked my patient portal. (Mayo has a fancy system where you can check your online account for appointment times, doctor’s notes & lab results) I opened it up & found that the lab results my primary doctor had ordered at the beginning of the week were in…
Wouldn’t you know it, they were pretty much all normal.
I lost it.
I started thinking about all of the sacrifices everyone had/is making for me to be here. My mother who’s keeping my children, my Father who’s utterly selflessly gone with me to every appointment…I don’t know how he’s getting his regular work done when he’s spent the entire day, every day with me, but he never shows it. He always smiles & thanks me for asking him to come. My sweet stepmother who’s without a husband this week so he can be with me, P’s co-workers & bosses who have truly juggled everything so he could do his show from Jacksonville…all of these people were giving so much so I could get answers. After looking at these labs I was hit smack in the face with the very real reality that I might not get ANSWERS.
So I did what I often do when I’m completely overwhelmed with my feelings. I sat down to talk to you. I opened my laptop to write this, to tell you I’m broken, scared & dreading this appointment because after reading those labs I have no more hope.
And you know what? Right then something happened, something that actually happens a lot when I sit down to write. I realized my mistake…
Hope was my mistake. Hope is fragile. Hope can be built up on a dime & dashed by a fluke.
To truly trust that God is leading me through this, that’s my way out, it can’t be changed by labs, tests or the best specialists. It is a firm foundation.
If I can just do that, maybe this will still turn out ok. Then again maybe my idea of “ok” isn’t the plan, maybe another outcome is. I guess that’s why it’s called “trust”.
Appointment is in twelve minutes. Gotta run my friend…