My Dr appointment did not go as I had hoped last week. Well, kind of…
I had hoped the MRI would show some definitive evidence that would support a concrete diagnosis. It didn’t. It didn’t show squat.
My rheumatologist & I sat down and reviewed everything that has happened over the last year & she thinks I have Fibromyalgia with some secondary Sjogren’s sypmtoms. But here’s the thing, like so much in my life her diagnosis is vague. I meet all the criteria for Fibro but that wouldn’t explain my fevers or a few other random symptoms. It seems like I have some Sjogren’s symptoms that come & go but they’re not vivid enough to be the main cause of my pain. This realization does seem to be a part of the puzzle so in theory I should feel some relief. But I don’t…at least not how I had expected.
I thought once I could put a name on what was making me sick I could then get some medication & make a game plan for feeling better or at least one for thriving with my new life living with ____. I’m starting to realize that’s not what I need.
There’s something bigger at work in my life & I know now that I won’t find resolution by getting a diagnosis. Something is changing within me besides my physical ailments. I see now that God is using my pain to mold me into something new. A new creature who depends on him. By breaking me down I believe he is teaching me that my own strength is not enough. I’m relearning to walk, and it’s to walk blindly holding His hand for guidance.
My daily devotionals this week have been about being thankful for all of the trials in your life…
Walk with Me along the high road of thanksgiving & you will find
all the delights I have made ready for you. To protect your thankfulness you must remember
that you reside in a fallen world where blessings & sorrows intermingle freely. A constant focus
on adversity defeats many. They walk through a day that is brimming with beauty
& brightness, seeing only the grayness of their thoughts. How precious are My children who
remember to thank me at all times. They can walk through the darkest of days with joy in their
hearts because they know the Light of My Presence is still shining on them.
-Jesus Calling App
I am in so much pain today. I want to do so much but instead I’m going to listen to what God is saying to me through my body & rest. Sometimes you just have to Be Still. If you’re like me than you’re constantly running in your brain. As you’re doing one task you’re planning out the next. When you’re driving to accomplish one errand you’re already thinking of what you’ll do after you complete it. Go, go, go. Do me a favor, sometime today just stop. Just be still & listen. Whether it’s 5 minutes in the closet while your kids are occupied or the silence of a bathroom stall at your office just BE STILL. Think of the Light & warmth in your life. Focus on the blessings. Be thankful.
Trust me, I know how wonderful it feels to ‘get’ this type of message & feel all warm & fuzzy in your thankfulness only to be completely distracted & sucked into a stressful situation 10 minutes later. It’s amazing how quickly we forget, how quickly I forget, but I’m still going to try, we have to start somewhere right?
I’m terrified to publish this post because I think I sound like a tutti frutti emotional nutcase, but then comes the neat part. I happened to be reading Momastery the other day & Glennon wrote about the book ‘Daring Greatly’ by Brene Brown. I took a chance, ordered it on Amazon & 2 days later was reading it for myself. I’ve only read the first chapter but my goodness, it was like getting hit with a mac truck of inspiration. She explores our fear of vulnerability & how by embracing vulnerable situations we can do great things. You have to get past the fear & try.
So this is me, and what I’m feeling, what I’m learning. I’m going to add thankfulness & courage to my list, I hope that by sharing it helps you think of a hard time in your life a bit differently today. Here’s to the warm fuzzies.